I know I am not dying, I know I don’t have cancer, I don’t have chronic pain, I have full mobility, I haven’t lost any of my senses…but the truth is, some days I still feel like complaining (thus a 3 week delay in my blogging!) I am still learning how to share authentically about my journey during the hard times. I want my blog to be encouraging and inspiring, and some days I just don’t feel like I can live up to that mission!
I recognize that this healing journey isn’t meant to come quickly, but I didn’t realize how unpredictable it would be! Some days I feel like crawling in a corner with a pillow…and coming out only for food and a bathroom break. (I am really THAT tired some days.) Other days, I feel at least a moderate amount of energy and have a great, focused, productive day. And on my best days (these are rare right now), I even have energy left after 5 PM!
I am finding that this unpredictability is unsettling to me. Perhaps it’s the bit of me that wants to have SOME level of control of this medical mystery that is fighting the lack of consistency! I know it’s unreasonable to think that I would make daily forward progress, but somewhere in my optimistic head, I still seem to think that should be the case! This is a dangerous mindset to hold, as it leads to regular disappointment and discouragement when symptoms worsen. I am learning to let go of my expectations, and just trust that God really is in control, and that part of this process means trust, surrender, and relinquishing my desire to control.
I am learning so much on this journey! I am learning the power of gratitude. I catch myself grumbling often, and quickly ask for God’s help to remember all the blessings in my life. I am learning to have deeper compassion for those with chronic pain and other “silent” illnesses. I am learning to be honest with myself about my limitations. I am learning (slowly) that it’s ok to NOT say “I’m great! How are you?” when I’m really feeling crummy.
If you’re discouraged with the unpredictability or slow progress of your own healing journey, my heart goes out to you! I truly do know what it feels like to wake up not knowing how the day is going to go. I pray that you’ll have grace with yourself along the way, let go of any harsh expectations, and trust that God loves you dearly and is walking with you every step of the way–especially on the curl in the corner with your pillow kind of days.
GratefulOne 